The Hives
Here's some Hives - just for fun.
They're Swedish don't cha know. More...
Jack Handey
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
"When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like Grandfather did -- not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car."
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."
"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
The Happiest Man in The World
Presenting Mr.Trololo . . .
"Lyrics? I don't need no stinking lyrics!" - Eduard Khil (paraphrased)
When Smoking Was Kool™
My problem is that I enjoy smoking. I'm not quitting for health and beauty reasons. I'm quitting because it's become an expensive indulgence and I'm broke, busted, like nothing.
It wasn't that very long ago that smoking was considered cool and sophisticated. Doctors even prescribed young Theodore Roosevelt a cigar a day as a cure for his asthma.
Here's a gallery of old cigarette ads to show just how much our perception of smoking has changed in a relatively short period time. Some of them are pretty funny. It appears that in the '60's women liked it when you blew smoke in their faces. Not so much nowadays.
Santa smoked, Doctors smoked, even dogs smoked. God I want a cigarette.
Anna Chapman, Hot Spy in a Post Cold War World
I know what some of you must be thinking, "She was a freakin' Russian spy! She was here to steal state secrets and reveal them to people that want to do us harm, you know. . . like The New York Times!"
Hold your judgement until after you've read my little version of the story. Here's what happened, and it's all, mostly, true.
She accepted a fake US passport from an undercover FBI agent in a Manhattan Starbucks. The agent hoped she would forward it to another Russian spy, but she didn't, Anna turned the passport in at a local police station and that's when she was arrested.
Anna pleaded guilty to a charge of conspiracy to act as an agent of a foreign government without notifying the U.S. Attorney General, Eric (The Cock) Holder.
Okay, so she admitted that she was a Russian spy, but she never really got around to doing any spying. I think she was just taking the old lady, mother Russia's rubles and having herself a party. You know how some of those hot, young babes are - all fun, fun, fun and no work.
Here's Anna's Wikipedia entry. Note the masters degree in economics from the People's University of Russia. You can also note the hotness by clicking on the picture.
Here's my cunning plan to get Anna back. . .
First, she has to say she's sorry and promise to never spy again.
Second, we trade the Rooskies a lifetime subscription* to The New Times for her. The New York Times is really all the spying they'll ever need.
*Russia's or The New York Times' lifetime, whichever comes first. I think it's a toss-up. Online edition only. That's right, no one's buying the print edition so now they're charging to read it online... good luck with that.
Happy Birthday America
Elmore Leonard's Ten Rules of Writing
These are rules I’ve picked up along the way to help me remain invisible when I’m writing a book, to help me show rather than tell what’s taking place in the story. If you have a facility for language and imagery and the sound of your voice pleases you, invisibility is not what you are after, and you can skip the rules. Still, you might look them over.
1. Never open a book with weather. If it’s only to create atmosphere, and not a character’s reaction to the weather, you don’t want to go on too long. The reader is apt to leaf ahead looking for people. There are exceptions. If you happen to be Barry Lopez, who has more ways to describe ice and snow than an Eskimo, you can do all the weather reporting you want.
2. Avoid prologues. They can be annoying, especially a prologue following an introduction that comes after a foreword. But these are ordinarily found in nonfiction. A prologue in a novel is backstory, and you can drop it in anywhere you want.
There is a prologue in John Steinbeck’s “Sweet Thursday,” but it’s O.K. because a character in the book makes the point of what my rules are all about. He says: “I like a lot of talk in a book and I don’t like to have nobody tell me what the guy that’s talking looks like. I want to figure out what he looks like from the way he talks. . . . figure out what the guy’s thinking from what he says. I like some description but not too much of that. . . . Sometimes I want a book to break loose with a bunch of hooptedoodle. . . . Spin up some pretty words maybe or sing a little song with language. That’s nice. But I wish it was set aside so I don’t have to read it. I don’t want hooptedoodle to get mixed up with the story.”
Puppy Thrown at Biker Gang
Germany (BBC) - A German student "mooned" a group of Hell's Angels and hurled a puppy at them before escaping on a stolen bulldozer, police said.
The man drove up to a Hell's Angels clubhouse near Munich, wearing only a pair of shorts and carrying a puppy.
He dropped his shorts and threw the dog, escaping on a bulldozer from a nearby building site.
He was arrested later at home by police. The 26-year-old is said to have stopped taking depression medication.
After making his getaway on the bulldozer, he had driven so slowly that a 5km tailback built up behind him on the motorway.
After driving about 1km, he had abandoned the bulldozer in the middle of the motorway, near Allershausen. He continued his journey by hitchhiking.
"What motivated him to throw a puppy at the Hell's Angels is currently unclear," a police spokesman said.
The puppy is now being cared for in an animal shelter.
I don't care how crazy you are, there's never any reason to involve a puppy.
Smoking Baby
Proof that some of us were doomed the day we were born, or shortly thereafter.
