Jack Handey Quotes
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like Grandfather did -- not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!
There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a bad guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, going through your stuff.
One good thing about Hell, at least, is you can probably pee wherever you want to.
Eventually, I believe, everything evens out. Long ago, an asteroid hit our planet and killed our dinosaurs. But, in the future, maybe we’ll go to another planet and kill their dinosaurs.
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of cooking up about a hundred drumsticks and the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish . . . if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, 'Aw, who cares?' And then I think, 'Hey, what's for supper?
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
You will never know what it’s like to work on a farm until your hands are raw, just so people can have fresh marijuana. Or what it’s like to go to a factory and put in eight long hours and then go home and realize that you went to the wrong factory.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
If you had a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, I'd choose pie heaven. It's probably a trick, but if it's not, Mmmmmmm boy.
Instead of building more bombs let's find more uses for the ones we already have.
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
One day I decided to go see the mean guy on our street that everyone was talking about. But when I got to his house he said that he wasn't the mean guy and that the mean guy lived over there. "No, you idiot! Thats MY house!"
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, what the hell am I doing?
When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy.
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and say, "Hey, I'm Vine Man!"
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over to the ground and then let it go, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
One day we’ll just sit by the fire, chew some tobacky, toast some marshmackies, and maybe strum a tune on the ole guitacky.
